Everyone has something in them they find dark, embarrassing, too much to bear. The people who claim to have no such part are either lying or are in deep denial. That might be in part because of reactions they’ve received in the past for disclosing such feelings.
I remember being young and married, telling my wife there was a part of me that felt dark and alone. That was a difficult thing to admit, but I opened up and made myself quite vulnerable, hoping I would be able to deal with those confusing feelings.
I received no such relief.
Instead of validating my feelings and indicating they didn’t mean something was deeply wrong with me, she instead worked hard to convince me I had a mental illness and an outcast. That was in turn used to isolate me from others, including my family.
In short, I was manipulated when I bore some of the most intimate details about my inner psyche. What was done to me was more harmful than any physical beatdown someone could deliver.
Because of that experience, I pushed that part of me down deep, tried to drown and kill it. But that never works. After all, that thing, that “darkness” was part of me.
“See, we’ve all got somethin’ that we trapped inside
That we try to suffocate, you know, hopin’ it dies
Try to hold it underwater but it always survives
Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise
Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies
You don’t relate to that? Must not be as crazy as I am
The point I’m makin’ is the mind is a powerful place
And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way
It’s pretty cool, right? Yeah, but it’s not always safe
Just hang with me, this’ll only take a moment, okay?
Just think about it for a second, if you look at your face
Every day when you get up and think you’ll never be great
You’ll never be great, not because you’re not, but the hate
Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith”
NF, The Search
Years later, after having worked with some excellent therapists, and doing a lot of praying, studying, soul searching, and a lot of other work on my own, I have been able to look at that part of me with love, compassion, and appreciation. It’s not an ugly thing – it’s a part of me and has helped make me who I am.
In fact, that part was warning me way back that I was in an abusive relationship. It was the red light flashing inside me that I needed to get to safety. Rather than listening, I paid attention to the person I thought had my back, and that didn’t end well. But I learned from the experience and now I listen to that part of me, instead of casting it out.
If you have a part of you that feels icky, and I think most people do, it’s not something to just shove down or try to kill. You also don’t have to hand the steering wheel over to that part of you and let it do the driving. Instead, you need to get curious and learn why that part exists, what it’s been doing, and appreciate its function.
That will help you achieve greater peace inside yourself. Ignoring or suppressing what these “undesirable” parts of you are saying will just make them get louder, bigger, possibly leading to them grabbing the steering wheel, guiding you off a cliff.
Image via Pranavsinh suratia/Pexels
Steven Symes 