Most men are told to shake off injuries, especially when it comes to anything emotional. I know that’s a thing women will often criticize, and rightfully so, yet immediately after that so often reinforce the dysfunctional behavior. As a man who has suffered from betrayal and the trauma that lingers, I have been made to feel weak, broken, and useless by certain women when I’ve let my guard down with them.
That’s not to say all women have treated me with such reckless disregard if not outright contempt; some women have been wonderfully supportive. But it does no good to say men bottle up their emotions too much, then punish them for finally letting some of their emotions out.
All that does is reinforce to men that their bottling of emotions, including trauma, is the correct strategy. But it does so much harm.
One way women punish men for finally expressing some of their emotions is to twist every “hot” manifestation of emotion as an overture to violence. I get it: men are bigger and stronger than women, so when we melt down, women might fear we’ll become dangerous, especially if they grew up in a household where the male figure did just that.
However, playing the game of telling men to express their emotions, then browbeating them for doing just that, does incredible damage to relationships, as well as the men. It also makes dealing with betrayal trauma and expressing one’s emotions as a man far more complicated than it should be.
What also doesn’t help is how most support groups for victims cater exclusively to women. I know this from experience. In fact, I had a few people when I inquired about those groups openly laugh in my face that I, a man, would need such support.
One person who ran a group even went so far as to tell me that as a man I’m “always the aggressor, not the victim.”
It’s been difficult to connect with other men who have been betrayed, especially by women. It’s the silent knife in the back, one men don’t want to admit they carry because it supposedly makes them weak.
And it’s no wonder they keep such things to themselves. When a woman tells society at large how she’s been betrayed by a man, there’s overall an outpouring of support. I don’t fault anyone for reacting that way.
However, when a man reveals such a thing, he’s treated with extreme scrutiny. Often, he’s accused of doing something to justify the woman’s vicious treatment of him, what many affectionately call “blaming the victim.”
Even worse, his manhood, his masculine strength, is called into question.
Can you imagine if a woman who was betrayed by a man were treated thusly? It happens and has been condemned in modern society. So why do so many feel it’s okay to regard men who suffer betrayal and dare to admit it as if they have a fundamental flaw, a defect, and must be excused from society?
While there is much that’s wrong or “broken” if you will about modern masculinity, I see from my own experience how persecution of men because they’ve been betrayed hinders those men from pursuing a constructive path forward. After all, if you can’t express your emotions in healthy ways, if you can’t tell your story without being subjected to scrutiny if not outright mockery, how can you truly connect with others?
Men need the support of other men on these and other issues. The support of women would also be beneficial, but it’s different. Because of the benefits of male encouragement for guys who have struggled, I’ve often wondered why there aren’t more men’s support groups.
Why are men forced to bear the wound of a silent knife in the back alone?
I’m opening my mouth and speaking out with the hope I can help bring about a change in society. It’s time men stop sitting in silence. There is a way forward and part of that is knowing you’re not alone, you didn’t deserve what was done to you, and you’re not weak for being taken advantage of.
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Steven Symes 