They say everyone needs and has a tribe, but I’ve never felt like that’s applied to me, if I’m being completely honest. Sure, I’ve been a member of different sports teams, friend groups, etc. but I’ve never felt strongly that I’ve found my tribe.
This is something I’ve kept to myself and have tried to not mull over too much for fear it might lead to feelings of resentment or bitterness. But while attending a recent church addiction support group meeting, this hit me hard as I felt like others in attendance were in the reverse of my situation. While there was some connection there, it wasn’t the same.
I was the odd man out, the weird outlier, yet again. I felt misunderstood and isolated instead of connected and validated.
That might have been entirely a me-thing, but I believe it’s a reflection of how I’ve never felt part of a tribe of my own, a group where I feel I belong, am understood, and valued deeply.
A while ago, I sought the help of a woman who’s relatively well-known in the mental health community where I live. She provided some excellent advice, including immediately pinpointing I have never had a tribe of my own. When that was brought up, she confidently assured me that I would find my tribe.
I wish I had her confidence.
Growing up I was often friends with people who were the oldest in their family – I am the youngest of five siblings. I excelled in school but hated gifted classes because I found the kids in them to be unbearably self-conceited. But I was bored with regular classwork. I felt back then that I didn’t fit in anywhere.
In college I was athletic, male, and an English major – a rather odd combination.
While the vast majority of divorces are filed by women, I filed for mine and for reasons that are usually held by women (hence why I felt so out of place in the church support group).
I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
Even writing this, I want to delete everything and keep it all to myself. That’s not borne out of the unfortunately common masculine inclination to bottle feelings (I’ve moved beyond that thanks to years of therapy) but instead a desire to not whine about my situation. I hope this doesn’t come across that way, but if it does I apologize as it’s not my intent.
Instead, my desire is to open a conversation and let others who are struggling with similar feelings know they are in fact not alone. Maybe by opening my mouth and speaking, I will in turn finally find my tribe. It’s at least worth a shot.
Image via Lukas Rychalsky/Pexels
Steven Symes 